oh gosh, is this a food blog?

I hope not.

Gather ’round children! Today we are going to make BUTT MILK PANCAKES!!!!

*crickets chirping*

But Jessica…you have an English degree! That’s a typo, right? There’s no way we’re going to use actual butt milk!!!

Of course we are, citizen! Why wouldn’t we use butt milk?

Uhm. Because it’s milk that I forgot and neglected and left in the back of the fridge, so I’m pretty sure it hates me. Oh yeah, and because it SMELLS LIKE BUTT!!!

Pssssshhh! Oh ye of little faith! Do you not know that butt milk is a perfectly acceptable substitute for buttermilk in almost any recipe?
A word of warning though: Don’t use your butt milk if it is a strange colour or has chunkies. Then it is no longer buttmilk…it’s become its own species.

enough for 2 adult humans

Stick a pan on the stove and set it to 3 or 4

1 cup butt milk
1 egg
1 tb oil
1 tsp vanilla
in a medium sized bowl. You may notice that the mixture smells like butt. Don’t despair! (and probably don’t let your dining companion smell the bowl lest they decide McDonald’s is a more acceptable breakfast choice for them)

In a separate bowl, combine
1 cup flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tb sugar

Dump these dry ingredients into the wet ingredients and stir! ¬†All of a sudden, the butt smell will disappear and turn into weird pancake batter smell (I don’t claim that the smell of batter is pleasurable. I have heard it compared to the smell of a certain male human bodily emission…however I do claim that it smells better than butt)

This mixture can take a good beating, and it’s pretty customizable, so don’t freak out. The thicker the batter is, the fluffier and cakier your pancakes will be. If you prefer more crepe-esque pancakes, feel free to add a touch more milk. If the mix is basically glorified cloudy water, well you did something wrong. Add more flour until it resembles batter (google a picture of pancake batter if you are confused)

Dump about a third to a half cup of batter onto your pan.
OH WAIT! I have some pancake making wisdom for you. If you like smooth-topped pancakes, like with an uninterrupted golden sheen like Taylor Lautner’s face skin (sorry, dated pop culture reference), DO NOT GREASE YOUR PAN. If you use a non-stick pan, you shouldn’t have to grease, and the pancake should just pop off. However, if you would like your pancake to look all rustic like the surface of the moon , feel free to grease it up with oil or butter. The difference in pancake skin texture has to do with the way the fat conducts the heat and blah blah SCIENCE THINGS.

When the pancake starts bubbling in the middle, flip it. Wait approx. 2.38 minutes and then flip onto a plate. Consume immediately.