another food post (popcorn butter)

so, this is the butter I put on my popcorn. I may be delusional, but I think it kind of tastes like truffles (the fungus kind).

3/4-1 cup salted butter
5 cloves of garlic
1/4 tsp vinegar
2 tbs nutritional yeast

stuff you will need: saucepan, heat resistant spatula, cold bowl (over ice water if you are fancy)

1. heat the butter in a saucepan at medium low heat.

2. While that’s melting, grate the garlic so that it’s pretty fine

3. Once the butter has melted, add the garlic

4. stir it pretty frequently to keep the garlic from sticking to the bottom and burning. cook it for a moderately long time (like 5-10 mins). Basically, you’re waiting for the butter to brown. Yes! The butter is supposed to turn brown.

5. Once the butter and garlic have browned, take it off the heat and pour it into the cold bowl (and the amount of brown is up to you. i like mine pretty toasty, but you can take it off the heat whenever it’s any sort of brown. it’s pretty nice when it’s an almost auburn colour. However, this stuff WILL burn if you leave it on for too long).

6. add your tiny amount of vinegar and stir. you need to add it when it’s warm so that the more volatile compounds will evaporate.

7. Add the yeast flakes. If you are wanting to eat popcorn immediately, pour some on and have a go (not all of it, unless you’re wanting to give yourself a heart attack). If not, let it cool, give it a stir to mix in the chunky bits, and stick it in the fridge.

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oh gosh, is this a food blog?

I hope not.

Gather ’round children! Today we are going to make BUTT MILK PANCAKES!!!!

*crickets chirping*

But Jessica…you have an English degree! That’s a typo, right? There’s no way we’re going to use actual butt milk!!!

Of course we are, citizen! Why wouldn’t we use butt milk?

Uhm. Because it’s milk that I forgot and neglected and left in the back of the fridge, so I’m pretty sure it hates me. Oh yeah, and because it SMELLS LIKE BUTT!!!

Pssssshhh! Oh ye of little faith! Do you not know that butt milk is a perfectly acceptable substitute for buttermilk in almost any recipe?
A word of warning though: Don’t use your butt milk if it is a strange colour or has chunkies. Then it is no longer buttmilk…it’s become its own species.

BUTT MILK PANCAKES
enough for 2 adult humans

Stick a pan on the stove and set it to 3 or 4

Combine
1 cup butt milk
1 egg
1 tb oil
1 tsp vanilla
in a medium sized bowl. You may notice that the mixture smells like butt. Don’t despair! (and probably don’t let your dining companion smell the bowl lest they decide McDonald’s is a more acceptable breakfast choice for them)

In a separate bowl, combine
1 cup flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tb sugar

Dump these dry ingredients into the wet ingredients and stir!  All of a sudden, the butt smell will disappear and turn into weird pancake batter smell (I don’t claim that the smell of batter is pleasurable. I have heard it compared to the smell of a certain male human bodily emission…however I do claim that it smells better than butt)

This mixture can take a good beating, and it’s pretty customizable, so don’t freak out. The thicker the batter is, the fluffier and cakier your pancakes will be. If you prefer more crepe-esque pancakes, feel free to add a touch more milk. If the mix is basically glorified cloudy water, well you did something wrong. Add more flour until it resembles batter (google a picture of pancake batter if you are confused)

Dump about a third to a half cup of batter onto your pan.
OH WAIT! I have some pancake making wisdom for you. If you like smooth-topped pancakes, like with an uninterrupted golden sheen like Taylor Lautner’s face skin (sorry, dated pop culture reference), DO NOT GREASE YOUR PAN. If you use a non-stick pan, you shouldn’t have to grease, and the pancake should just pop off. However, if you would like your pancake to look all rustic like the surface of the moon , feel free to grease it up with oil or butter. The difference in pancake skin texture has to do with the way the fat conducts the heat and blah blah SCIENCE THINGS.

When the pancake starts bubbling in the middle, flip it. Wait approx. 2.38 minutes and then flip onto a plate. Consume immediately.

 

Carbonara For One

I am eating this AS I TYPE

Ingredients:
2 Slices Bacon
Half an Onion
One Clove of Garlic (which I forgot in mine…oooops)
A frond of Kale
One Egg (preferably a good egg with a bright yellow yolk)
One Tablespoon of Parmasan Cheese
Enough long pasta for one person
Salt and pepper to taste

  1. Dice bacon and onion. Chop kale into bits. Smush garlic. Cook the bacon in a pan over medium heat until it’s almost crispy. Dump the garlic and onion in.
  2. Get a pot of salted water boiling. Basically, for this all to work, the pasta needs to be the last thing done, so get all the other business ready or almost ready before the pasta goes in.
  3. Beat the egg and parmasan cheese together and set aside.
  4. How is the bacon/onion/garlic (aka holy trinity) doing? Hopefully the onions will be all caramelized and sweet by the time the pasta is done. If things are looking a bit sketchy, add a pinch each of sugar and baking soda (SMALL PINCH) to the onions to get things rolling. Throw the kale in at some point so that it’s not raw when you eat it, but whatever.
  5. Okay, so when the pasta is done, drain it, and then dump it back into the pot. DON’T PUT IT BACK ON THE HOT BURNER, instead put it on a trivet or an unused burner. Dump the eggs in and stir it all around. The hot pasta will temper the eggs and make it turn into a yummy sauce. Dump the bacon entourage in, and eat it…maybe even out of the pot if you are klassy.